


warmth

by genuinehope



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-03 01:24:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21171125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genuinehope/pseuds/genuinehope
Summary: Junhui is a guardian angel sent down to help someone who no longer believes life is worth living





	warmth

“Fuck this shit”

Seungkwan threw his backpack on his creaking bed. if it collapsed now he wouldn't be surprised but he would probably start crying. Luckily, the bed decided to give him another day to sleep.  
He was tired. School was shit. People were shit. He was TIRED of being bullied for his weight. He was chubby and so what? Was that so bad? Did he really deserve to die because of that? Did the additional weight strip him of his worth? He knew it was stupid. He knew that kids are mean. However, ... how wrong could they be when they were five and he was just one person. One fat, ugly, deformed person worth nothing.  
It gnawed on him. He wanted to eat, to fill the hole that the doubts had eaten into his heart. But he wouldn't. He would lose weight until he was worth something. He would not touch food anytime soon, he said to himself.

And he really wouldn't. For the next three days. He was dizzy and he only drank water when he absolutely felt like fainting. Because when he got water, it would slosh around in his otherwise empty stomach and remind him of his hunger. He would rather remain parched and feel close to collapsing than that. But he couldn't refrain entirely and he hated himself for that. He wondered if after three days anyone had noticed, that he wasn't showing up to school anymore. But would anyone care for a 19-year-old who was living off of orphan's pension? Most likely not. If he were to die, the state could use the money wasted on him for something worth more. His brain hurt too much to think of anything that the money could be used for but he was sure there would be something.

The three days had been so, so long. He kept his eyes closed and curtains drawn most of the time and he could tell that his skin was feeling dry and stripped of vitality. He must smell but he was too weak to get into the shower and he feared that his body wash that smelled of oranges would fuel his hunger and he couldn't have that.

He just needed to lay in bed for a bit longer. He already felt like he had lost a bit of weight. Nowhere near enough but it was a familiar feeling. It was the same feeling he used to have when he looked in the mirror after skipping two meals and seeing that his stomach was not as curved as it had been in the morning. It was the same feeling he had had when he used to exercise for four hours on an empty stomach and with a throbbing head. He was familiar with this. Would he still go to his therapist, she would tell him that he was suffering from a great relapse. But he didn't go. In fact, after he had stopped working to focus on studying for final exams he had stopped going to therapy and stopped turning on the heating in his little cramped place. Pension was not really enough to sustain him if he wanted a healthy mind. So he had to settle and deal with this on his own.

His head felt like shrivelling up. He felt his fingers lose the last of circulation when suddenly his phone's alarm went off in the adjacent bathroom. He was sure he had not been to the bathroom for the last 6 hours and had not taken his phone into his hands for at least 8 hours. And yet, the familiar alarm he used to get up for school was ringing unnecessarily loud in the other room.  
He was sure it would stop after a while but whether it was because of his fucked-up perception or not, the phone would not stop ringing. He tried to block out the noise but it seemed impossible. So after a gruelling couple of minutes, he tried to roll himself out of bed. He was sure if he tried to get up now he would see stars and his knees would wobble to the point where he would end up on the floor anyway. After he let himself down to the floor as gently as he could muster, he robbed towards the relentless noise. His arms were burning and he was sure his underarms were red from the friction between his arms and the floor. when he finally reached the small room that contained little more than a shower-head, a toilet and a small sink that only spit out cold water, he tried to sit up in order to turn on the light. When he finally reached it with some strain and the room lit up in an orange hue, he had to get his eyes used to it before looking around. 

Simultaneously, with the light turning on however, the noise stopped. He looked around, squinting his eyes and realized: it must have been his imagination. his brain must be playing tricks on him before finally giving up and stopping to think altogether. He leant his head against the doorframe. It was a bit cold and he shivered. Now that he was so close to a water source, it was hard to resist. He knew that if he went back to his bed now, he would not get to drink water for another three days and perhaps really lose consciousness forever. so with all the energy he had left, he heaved himself up to the sink. It was beige and tinged with rust at the sides. He turned it on and built a mold with his hands. Once he took the first sip, it seemed impossible to stop. He kept drinking more and more and more. When his thirst was finally quenched he let himself down again. Due to his lack of balance and strength, he hit the side of his head against the door. "Ugh", he groaned, and it was the first noise he had made in days. He was not bleeding, he supposed his body was trying its hardest not to lose anything else but his weight so it was stubborn to break open and let him bleed. But he felt woozy. Maybe it was because he had had so much water and his body was surprised at the adequate water intake for the first time in two weeks or maybe it was because of his head. Anyway, he didn't feel like moving. so he stayed. until the noise started again. but this time, it came from his bed, where he had just crawled from. Seungkwan let out a soft sigh, wondering if this was still his mind fucking with him or not. Regardless of whether this was real or not, it was bothering him. So he robbed back. When he reached his room he saw it: The phone was right there, underneath his bed, next to his pillow that had fallen to the floor as well. He really was out of his mind, Seungkwan thought. Once he reached his mattress again, he fell asleep, exhausted from the physical exercise.

He woke to a siren going off next to his window. It was loud and awful noise and once he had registered that, he felt that he was cold. His window was tilted open. There was no way he had done that. first, because he hadn't moved after falling asleep, he had woken in the exact same position he remembered. And second, he wouldn’t have the strength to turn around the handle. But it was open, and the noise was unbearable. He tried again to lift himself enough to close the window that was above his bed. He needed to sit up to reach it and it showed to be a difficult task at first. After the boy stretched out his arm far enough, he managed to close the window. But if he didn't run the handle around, the window would open again, that he knew. for that, he would have to use his two hands and all his might. He did manage to do so after a while and by the end of it, he felt a bit of heat, most likely to be accredited to the exertion. Once he leaned down again, he heard a knock at the door. this time he was sure the noise would stop, humans are impatient and the person would surely leave. and if not out of boredom, they would leave once they thought about the neighbours being bothered by the noise.  


Nevertheless, the knocking would go on. He managed to look at his phone, that for some reason was attached to his charging cable and therefore fully charged. The knocking had gone on for 15 minutes and alternated with the shrill-sounding doorbell so that Seungkwan Had to get to the door. Again, he let himself to the ground and robbed towards the door. halfway there, he was next to the bathroom and actually managed to drink a sip, he was sure the noise would go on until he was at the door, anyway. So once he had finished taking some sip, this time he didn't feel dizzy. He managed to stay on his feet and by leaning against the wall, he managed to make his way towards the door on his two feet.  
Once he opened the door, the noise surely stopped and he could not see anyone. His neighbour, however, had just opened the door to take out the trash. Her being an old and quiet woman was all that Seungkwan had gathered about her. After painfully clearing his throat - he felt like he would surely start to bleed if he continued - he croaked out "sorry for the noise" with a slight bow of his head. The woman, however, looked more shocked at his appearance: he looked pitiful in his crinkled shirt and the frayed joggers. Except for "I didn't hear anything but thank you for being considerate", she didn't say anything else before going on her way.

"Weird", the boy thought when turning around, still leaning against the wall of his apartment. the moment he heard his door close, he spotted shoes on his doormat. Nice, shiny black shoes that did not, could not, belong to him. He didn't pick them up, but kicked them to the side, too exhausted to worry much. He pushed his way back to his room, tired enough to sleep again but once he was close to his bed and looked up, he saw a man. A young man, who was sitting on his bed. He was smiling and folding one of the blankets that were on Seungkwan's bed. He was folding his blanket and smiling at him. "hey Kwannie!" the man beamed.  
Seungkwan let himself plop onto the bed in a considerable distance to the stranger and rubbed his eyes. "what?", he murmured, confused that his imagination had taken it so far to imagine a person he had never seen before. He really was close to death, the way the man was so beautiful, he resembled an angel.  
His black hair looked soft and shiny, just like his eyes. He was dressed in a blue blouse that peeked out underneath from a black sweater. The man was wearing black slacks as well and surprisingly, only had on socks. Rose-coloured socks with grey cats on them. "I left my shoes at the door if you are wondering. aren't these cute?" the stranger said with a gentle, yet excited voice, having noticed Seungkwan's staring. the dizzy boy looked up dumbfounded. "what?" he asked again.  
“Here! My kitten socks! Don’t you like them?”, the stranger asked him again. Seungkwan continued to stare. After a while of silence between the two where they looked into each other’s eyes the whole time, the unknown person twisted his body towards Seungkwan’s window. “I opened the window again because it hasn’t stopped smelling yet, maybe you should put on a jumper after your shower” he mused.  


Seungkwan still only stared. Jun looked back at him, this time with a wrinkled forehead. “Seungkwan you need to take a shower”, he said, no smile on his face now.  
The confused boy blinked and rubbed his eyes but the person was not gone. “Who are you?”. Glad that he had already cleared his throat, he didn’t feel as much pain speaking this time. “Not important, dummy! You’re taking this shower and you are eating this”, was the response. The black haired boy held a mochi up to Seungkwan’s face. “It’s vanilla flavour”, he exclaimed”. Seungkwan shook his head. Apart from the fact that there was a stranger in his house who was offering him food of which he did not know the origins, he was also not going to just waste all his work and gain all his weight back in one bite. “Dummy, this is barely enough calories to get you through three hours of today, you will be fine”, the stranger said while rolling his eyes.

“Here”, Seungkwan flinched when he felt the other’s hand on his cheek. When had been the last time someone had touched him without wanting to harm him? It had been too long. When no blow followed immediately, Seungkwan’s shoulders lost some of their tension. It was still odd that this man was touching him but what could he do if he was too weak to walk without holding onto something, really? The hand on his cheek was warm. And it felt gentle. It was not rough and there was no pressure applied to his cheek. The man still had the candy between his fingers and they were getting closer. Seungkwan felt all of it happen in slow motion. Without any more prompting, Seungkwan opened his mouth a slight bit. The mochi was between his lips now and he bit off a bit. It was mostly just the outer part, no filling touching his lips but it was still so sweet. He closed his eyes for a long moment, overwhelmed by the texture and especially the flavour against his unbrushed teeth. The hand on his cheek. The thumb on his face caressed him approvingly. Seungkwan’s eyes widened and he had to look down. The hand did not leave his cheek. ‘Why’ he wondered. A finger lightly lifted his head back up and black eyes connected to his. “chew”, the person opposite him smiled. The boy started to grind his teeth against the food until it was all wet and puree-like. His fear of swallowing had decreased now. It seemed like it was just a sip of sweet water. So he swallowed it. “Good”, he heard the other say. His eyes were closed when he felt the rest of the pillowy treat pushing against his lips. Seungkwan opened his mouth, taking a bite that was bigger than the last. He chewed and swallowed without looking and without being asked. And he did it again and again until the small treat was gone. His stomach was not revolting yet and he didn’t feel like having to get rid of what had just entered his body. He opened his eyes again. “My name is Jun and you are taking a shower after this glass of water, '' the man said. Jun’s hand was still on his cheek but in his other hand, instead of the mochi which Seungkwan had eaten, was now a glass of water. With the hand on his cheek still there, Seungkwan sipped slowly until he had drunk nearly all of the glass with the help of Jun. His stomach felt sloshy again and made a gurgling sound which made Seungkwan feel a bit embarrassed. Jun said “after the shower we’ll eat some more”, there was no question, it was a fact. Seungkwan now felt Jun’s hand at his sides, not grabbing him, not touching him so he felt disgusting, but they gave his body a sign to move. Then they travelled down to Seungkwan’s arm, down to his palms until him and Jun were holding hands. Seungkwan tried to stand and with Jun’s help it worked. Instead of leaning against the wall, he now leant on Jun.

Jun knew where his bathroom was, and even though it was hard to miss in his small, small living space, it was still notable with how much confidence this stranger led him. But maybe he had been there before. In the small bathroom with the faucet and the light Jun undressed Seungkwan. Seungkwan was reluctant at first, of course. But Jun did not look at his body and halted whenever he noticed the smaller boy flinch and waited, until he relaxed. Soon he felt a warm trickle on his head and shoulders. Jun was still dressed but he was standing next to him, massaging the shampoo that smelled like oranges into his hair and squeezed jasmine-scented body wash into his hands. Seungkwan, leaning against the shower tiles managed to clean his body from his chest down, Jun massaged his shoulders, as the smaller’s arms still felt too heavy to lift that high. At one point Seungkwan closed his eyes while leaning against the wall and the next he opened his eyes leaning against Jun’s shoulders, clothed in a shirt and pants that were not his. A big grey long-sleeved shirt made out of cotton and navy pants of the same, soft fabric. Seungkwan felt clean. He was sitting on his bed against Jun’s shoulder, the window still open. Jun had a small bowl in his one hand and a cup filled with water and a toothbrush in his right. He motioned for Seungkwan to take the toothbrush. There was already some blue toothpaste on it. “Take a small sip and brush your teeth, please”, Jun said. So Seungkwan took the brush and a sip and when he was done, he spit into the bowl and took some more sips to clean his mouth. He felt like he lost two pounds from scrubbing his molars. Seungkwan, again, felt clean. He didn’t even question how Jun had known where to find a bowl but maybe it had been in his sink or something obvious. Jun got up, making sure Seungkwan wouldn’t just fall over without him by his side, and got up to put everything back in its place. He returned to the room with a cup of steaming tea and a plate with two tangerines which he both put on the little desk in the boy’s room. “For later”, he said. Seungkwan was ready to sleep now but Jun refused to let him. He held him by his shoulders and got him to remain in a seating position. Jun must have brought some goodies with him because the hand cream that smelled faintly of vanilla was definitely not Seungkwan’s. Done with the palms and digits of the weak boy, Jun sat on the floor and rolled up the trouser legs to massage the cream into Seungkwan’s calfs.

While the stranger was busy doing that, now feeling stronger, Seungkwan cleared his throat again. “Who are you?”  
“You already asked that, Kwannie”  
“I know your name but I don’t know who you are or where you come from and why you are in my apartment.”  
“I am in your apartment because I want to make sure you don’t die on my watch”  
“You have been watching me?”  
“You make it sound very creepy, you know?”  
“You didn’t answer my other questions either, you know?”  
Jun was done with his legs and looked up, his lashes long and black.  
“Does it matter?”  
Seungkwan might not have had all the strength he usually had but it was still enough to generate some confidence when it came to his privacy.  
“When you enter my place and see me naked”, if he had any colour in his face, he cursed himself, “then I sure think so!”  
“Okay”, Jun sighed and got up his face coming closer and closer to Seungkwan’s, until they were mere centimetres apart. “I won’t tell you where I come from or who I am”, Seungkwan sighed, “But!! I will tell you about myself if that will make you happy”  
"I guess”, Seungkwan mumbled, clearing his throat again.  
“Have some of the tea while I talk, alright? I put some honey in it”, Jun got up to hand him the cup of tea which had cooled down a bit by now.  
Seungkwan blew against the surface of the liquid and soon felt the taste of sweetened Oolong tea against his tongue, too curious about this person, to think about his worries from mere hours ago.  
“  
My full name is difficult to pronounce for you I think but I will tell you because you asked: 天使 文俊辉 and I am here because I genuinely want to and have to help you. I have seen you struggling at school and I have seen you cry in bathrooms and I have seen all the…” he halted, sitting down and closing his eyes, ”all the things you have been doing to yourself”. Jun shook his head. “Not on my watch. Not when I am watching you. I cannot let you do this, especially when it might kill you. And I swear I have no bad intentions. I just want you to stay alive”, his shoulders sank, looking towards the ground. Jun was not smiling for the first time since Seungkwan had encountered him. He looked close to crying, actually.  
“Oh.” Seungkwan did Not know what to say to that. I definitely did sound odd. But he also could not sense any bad intentions from this person. Was it a boy? A man? Jun looked a couple years older than him but he was not really sure just how many years. So he asked.  
“How old are you?” Jun cocked his head towards him, a slight glint in his eyes again.  
“In your perception of time? I am about 21 years old.”  
“My perceptions? You perceive time differently than me? Do you have some kind of synesthesia?”, now Seungkwans was a bit intrigued, holding his cup in both hands and scooting a bit closer to Jun.  
“I guess you can call it that? I do have additional senses, yeah”, Jun smiled.  
“You are being unnecessarily mysterious, you know?”, the sugar must have fuelled Seungkwan with a bit of confidence.  
“I wouldn’t call it unnecessary but rather just the perfect amount of careful.”  
“Hmm, I am too tired to care I think”  
Upon hearing that Jun got up to get the plate of tangerines. They were already peeled so when Jun held a piece of it to his mouth, Seungkwan expected them to be a little dry. However, they were soft and juicy and sweet. Since Jun had been there his fear of eating in moderation… it had ebbed away. Maybe because he didn’t try to feed him entire meals but maybe it was also because Seungkwan had something else than his own body to think about.  


Jun fed him one tangerine. When he picked up the second tangerine, Seungkwan stopped him by holding onto his wrist. “My stomach hurts”  
“Hmm I guess your body has to get used to food again and now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn’t have fed you something high in acidity”, Jun scratched his head. “Sorry”  
“It’s okay… Thank you” Seungkwan forced himself to say, lowering his head so that Jun could not see his blush that spread on the boy’s check out of shame.  
“Oh no, worries! That’s what I’m here for! I just should’ve considered what to feed you. I just wanted to give you something you like, you know?”  
Seungkwan narrowed his eyes. “You do know how creepy that sounds? How long have you been planning to feed me and why do you know that tangerines are my favourite food?”, he was reminded of Christmases in front of a warm fire and a plate of tangerines when eating the fruit but it was nothing he had openly shared before, not that he remembered at least.  
“I really am not good at this being careful thing”, Jun mused.  
“Not really” Seungkwan agreed.  
“It’s getting late now. You have new bedsheets and it doesn’t smell bad anymore. I am sure you’re exhausted from all of this. Go to sleep now. I’ll leave, too”, Jun stood up to close the window.  
“You’re just leaving? You feed and clean me and leave? What do you get from this?” Seungkwan was puzzled and maybe also a bit panicked.  
“Relax, I’ll check in with you soon.” I set your alarm for 8am tomorrow. That’s twelve hours from now. You have Netflix on your phone so either relax with a show or sleep. It’s Tuesday tomorrow and I think if we keep this up, you can go back to school next week-“  
“No.”  
Jun halted at the interruption. “No?”  
“You say you’ve seen me struggle and all that. So you know why I am saying no.”  
“I know.”  
“Good.”  
“You won’t get pension if you don’t attend school”  
“I don’t care”  
“I care”  
“I still don’t know who you are.”  
“It still doesn’t matter. I will keep you alive and to stay alive you need a roof over your head.”  
“Where do you live?”  
“I wish I could but I cannot offer you a place to sleep, Kwannie”, Jun sounded sad.  
“I really wish I could but this is the only way right now as far as I know. You have a permission slip from a public hospital saying you’re sick. I sent it to school via post and you have been excused for three weeks tops. But the third week is for in case this really gets hard. The earlier the better.”  
“Jun. You said you know what I did to myself. You might but I do not care about a roof over my head. I don’t want to go back there and you might know that or whatever. But you don’t know. You don’t know what it’s like to go into this alone and-“  
“I’ll be there”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Kwannie, I would never let you go into this alone”  
“You talk like you’ve know me my whole life”  
“So what?”  
“It’s funny, actually kinda ridiculous-“  
“I do. Okay? I’ve known you for years, for the better part of your miserable, sad, lonely life. I’ve seen you at your family’s funerals and I’ve seen you in the foster homes. It does not matter why, don’t interrupt me and don’t ask now. What matters is that I will go with you to school. I will be your classmate, I am new to school and I am a student who sucks at Korean so you give me tutoring and that’s why we are already friends by the start of next week, alright? I won’t let you go into this alone. Trust me. Please. You need to go to school. If not for the roof over your head, it’s because you deserve to study. Please, Seungkwan.”  
Astounded at the sudden emotional outburst, Seungkwan nodded and cleared his throat. “Okay.”  
Like a switch had flipped, Jun beamed widely again. “Great! Now go and rest and I’ll catch you tomorrow okay? I left another plate of fruits in the fridge and the bottle next to you is filled with fresh water now. Finish your tea and relax please. I will see you tomorrow. Promise.”  
Jun looked surprised at himself when he unwrapped his arms after hugging the smaller boy.  
With a nod and a bright smile he waved and Seungkwan heard the door close less than two seconds later. Seungkwan had never had Netflix. He watched the first five episodes of some show that night, before he fell asleep. He had eaten a pear and had some gulps from the water bottle before closing his eyes.

When he woke up, his head hurt yet again. Turning to his side he chugged half of the water bottle on his side. If it was his immense thirst, he did not know, but the water tasted heavenly. Seungkwan stared at the ceiling for a while. It could not have been longer than twenty minutes when the doorbell rang again. This time it took less effort to get to the door. When he opened it he was greeted by a blinding smile. “You look better today!” Jun beamed.


End file.
